During my last post I told you about my last 2 fights with cancer. But its time to fast forward to this year. With this blog Jim and I (and the dogs) will be able to share with you my fight with cancer. I have found this blog to be like a diary and I am sure that I will spend some days crying as I write in it. I feel this is a great opportunity for me to share my feelings and share with all of you the reasons behind the decisions I make.
So on the last post I ended thing last September when my scan was clean. In March Jim and I got married after spending the last 7 years together. 2012 was going to be our year for good things to happen. We were happy, we were thankful for everything and we were in love with each other. In April I had a follow up scan and again everything showed no evidence of disease. Our lives together were going fantastically. In August we saw a fertility specialist to see what our options were to have a baby together. After some testing the doctor told me that it appeared my ovaries would not be able to produce eggs to have our own biological child. It was upsetting but I got over and we figured out our plan to do embryo adoption.
Last month I noticed that I started to have some epigastric pain. We had spent a lot of time camping and ate a lot of junk food so I wrote it off to gas and constipation. After a couple of weeks the pain started getting worse. When I woke up to go to work one day I could no longer take the pain. I called into work and went into the emergency room. While at the emergency room they did a CT scan. Jim started getting a little antsy and decided to go for a walk. He didn't come back until the end of the conversation with the doctor. The doctor came in and told me they had found a mass on my abdomen. It was fluid filled but they had no idea what it was and said that it was possibly an abscess or possibly cancerous. It was devastating and scary. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for a couple days later. When I saw the doctor she stated some concern about losing weight and my low blood pressure. I stayed and got fluids and there was a biopsy ordered for a couple days later. I did the biopsy a couple days later and receive the results the following order. No Evidence of malignancy. It was amazing news but they still didn't know what the mass was so I was referred to my surgeon. When my surgeon saw me she stated that it was most likely a cyst on the ovary that they had relocated. She decided to order a Pet Scan for precautions even though I wasn't due for one for a couple of months. She told me before we left that everything looked fine and not to be concerned if the ovary and cyst lit up on the pet scan. I continued to have quite a bit of pain but Jim and I were still able to get away and go camping for a weekend. I had went into my Pet scan shortly after. As usual I call the place that does my Pet Scan and had my results faxed over to me before my follow up doctors appointment. That piece of paper read the last thing that I expected. I faxed it over to my mom before i even finished reading it. There were a few different lymph nodes, spots in the retroperitinium, spots on the spleen that were all lighting up. There was also spots on the lungs but however they didn't light up on the Pet Scan. There was no guarantee that it was cancer and I desperately tried to think of anything else that it could be. I immediately faxed over the paperwork to my surgeon but her office said she wouldn't be in until the following week. I was still worried but I'm not sure I really grasped how bad it was. My pain was suppose to be from a cyst on my ovary not cancer. I was moving on with my life and was making plans to start a family.
My surgeon ended up getting my results later that day and called me on the phone. She stated that the pet scan looks really concerning. She said that the nodes in the subclavicular would be the easiest to biopsy. She also said that if the biopsy came back positive that the cancer would not be curable. NOT CURABLE! How could this be. I'm 28 years old. I just got married. We were planning on having a baby. How could I possibly have not curable Cancer. My oncologist also called me that day and asked to see me sooner. When I went to the appointment with my oncologist I was still hoping that she would come up with some explanation other than cancer. She didn't have one. She ordered the biopsy and ordered the chemo so that we could start fighting this again right awake. Through the next couple weeks I was on an emotional roller coaster. I would randomly start crying thinking about how my husbands life would be after I died. I cried at how upset my family would be. I thought about how horrible my life would be the weeks and months before I died. I had no fight or hope left in me. I knew that if I did chemo that the chemo would kill me. My counts were still not back to baseline and i was struggling to keep my weight at 90lbs. I did find a clinical trial that was taking place in Maryland that instead of chemo they focus more on immunotherapy and using the body to fight the cancer. When I mentioned it to my oncologist she thought it was a great idea. I remember her words, " I can't cure you but these trials might offer something". There it was that stupid word CURABLE. So we got everything sent off to Maryland. The nurse from Maryland called me a couple days later and said that she didn't think my tumors were big enough and asked for a CD of the pet scan so I sent it off and waited.
This last Wednesday I went to my oncologist appt and got my biopsy results. I think it was the worst day of my life. This was worse then the day I was first diagnosed. When the doctor told me they were positive I immediately started crying. I could no longer hold it in and I didn't want to.
No comments:
Post a Comment