So i dont really like talking about religion because i dont ever want to offend someone and lets face when talking religion someone is always going to be offended.
But back to my day of depression. Instead of everyone being overjoyed by me curing my cancer everyone criticized me for not giving thanks to god. (It wasnt really everyone but i was depressed so it felt like everyone) I was even told to give thanks to god before he took it back. Take it back? I mean lets face it if god was the sort of person to take things back then i really dont want anything to do with him. Although I was raised religiously I haven't been feeling very religious. The thought of there actually being a god makes me angry. Why would someone that is suppose to be so amazing put me through so much grief pain and heartache. The idea of there not being a god actually makes the cancer ordeal easier to handle. Because then you just figure shit happens no one is lettting things happen they just do. The day before yesterday I found out that a cervical cancer sister passed away. I read her blog religiously and she was full of hope and inspiration. It was reading her blog that actually inspired me to start writing mine. She was my age ( most people with cancer are older) She had the same cancer as me and also did some of the same fertility sparing treatments that i did. She had an amazing attitude. She never seemed to complain and everyone says that attitude is everything. I really thought her amazing attitude was going to curr her but hers just seemed to continue to progress in spite of trying numerous different chemos. Her family along with a ton of other people prayed for her and she still passed leaving behind her 5 year old son. I find it hard to believe that i was cured and she wasnt because more prayers were said for me.
I feel like I have cried more in the last week then I have in the whole year. And this should be a happy week. My cancer is gone. I should be jumping up and down with joy. Dr hinrichs even said that my cells in the lab are responding amazingly and he is baffled by my spontaneous remission. There is no reason for my cancer to spontaneously disappear. So although he can't explain why my cancer went away on its own it makes sense because the cells in the lab were doing the same thing. He is actually in the process of isolating some of my cells so that it might help other people or maybe even possibly find a cure. Finding a cure? Can you imagine how amazing that would be? Finding a cure thanks to the help of my miraculous cells? maybe that's my great purpose in life. Maybe that's why god gave me cancer. After all he couldn't cure me unless there was something to cure. So then maybe there is a god and his plans for me are just bigger than the picture I see now.
I have had the same discussion in my head over and over. If there is a god why does he keep giving me cancer and healing me. Am I continuously missing a calling? I know I'm a little slow sometimes but come on do you really have to give me cancer to get my attention. But maybe he does. After all it took me getting cancer 3 times before I started changing my diet. (I have never had to deal with being overweight so I didn't see the point). It took me getting cancer 3 times before I started looking into treatments other than chemo( which is what led me to a research facility that is able to study my spontaneous remission) but most importantly it took me getting cancer 3 times to sit back and enjoy my life. My husband and I look at each other differently since the cancer and have connected in a way that is indescribable . I have realized what amazing family and friends I have. I mean some of them put permanent ink on their body for me. I would like to think that I would have eventually realized these things but I'm not sure that I would have at least not in the same way that I do now. I think a lot of times in life we get stuck on the same day to day routine. Go to work, do the laundry, make dinner. All we can ever think about is how tired we and how long our to do list is. It is my wish that everyone that reads this looks at the world a little differently today. What if this were your last day on earth?
I've attached the picture of us when we got the good news.
